You have no idea how many times I have typed and retyped this blog. This blog was set to post on Friday October 25th but my emotions wouldn’t let me hit publish. I felt like it needed to be more, more information, more emotion and more than what it was. Last week I turned a page in my journey. I was released by Dr A from my very last skin surgery. I kinda left his office feeling like okay now what. You see I had this plan with all this weight loss thing and this last surgery finished it. It happen to fall just days before the 25th. All of this just before I have to attend an event this week that has got my emotions all up and running every where. Bare with me while I explain this part of my journey.
I wait every year for October the 25th to roll around. That day 7 years ago that changed my life forever. I felt like I was up against a wall with no way out but through the surgery room. It’s been 7 years, 2 weight loss surgeries, 4 skin removal surgeries and the loss of over 165lbs. I never really saw myself as someone with an eating disorder. That word was used for those people who were underweight. Surely someone that weighed over 300lbs doesn’t fall under that category. I was wrong so very wrong. My disorder had taken over me. I self medicated with food. In the beginning I over ate when I was upset or sad. As time went on I ate with any emotion. I found myself needing food to fix the anxiety shakes. Before I knew it I needed food to calm me just like a junky needs a drug.
“Food Addicted” my thoughts were that is so stupid. How can you be addicted to something you need to live. My small uneducated mind laughed and said you can only be addicted to booze and drugs. No emails please I’ve educated myself on many addictions and I know better now. Food is necessary for the body to live. I wasn’t gonna hear any of that crap. Then there was that day, that day when the light bulb went off in my head. I had taken my kids to school and on the way home I went to the store. I was shaking when I got out of my car and feeling a bit weak. I had already consumed my bacon and egg breakfast laced with butter, toast and jam, a protein shake (so I could feel healthy), a half eaten bag of candy (the family size) and a donut (okay 3 donuts). Still blinded to my real issue and my addiction. I shopped really fast because I wanted to get to the car. I was rushing because I had bought a truck load of junk food. I got in my car and sat there until I had finished off a party size bag of cheesy chips and a couple of candy bars. I drove home and realized my shakes had stopped. Okay I feel so much better I must have needed that energy. So that should have been the moment when I knew I had a problem but NOPE. I’m a bit hard headed as my daddy would say. That Ahhhhhh moment was about an hour later when the shakes returned and I finished off even more food. I sat in the middle of my kitchen and cried. I have a problem with food. After a bit of a pitty party I got up cleaned my face and started eating again. Denial had sat in and I wasn’t gonna go there unless I had to. I went though all the lies, I can control it, I can stop eating, I can manage this without anyones help. This day took place in 1999. I didn’t have my surgery until 2012. Do the math, I binged on my addiction over the next 13 years. I tried all the diet programs out there. I spent countless amounts of money to get my eating under control. It all worked for a few weeks even months but then my addiction would wake up and off I would go gaining the weight back. It wasn’t the eating it was my head. I needed to fix what was in my head before I could fix what I put in my mouth.
Rolling forward to October 2012 I stood in front of my bathroom mirror at 4am and wished I didn’t have to go to the surgery center. This ball was in full roll and I had no way to stop it. There is also a deeper story as to why I couldn’t stop it. I had information that assured me it was now or never. I went with now because never seemed like death. I spent the next 3 years learning things that I didn’t wanna know about myself. Gorging food to fill my hunger that was only in my head. Only to throw it all up because my tiny tummy couldn’t take it. More than once I thought what in the h#@% have I done to myself. Food makes me feel so good but now I can’t get that feeling because of the surgery. I was forced to face things from my past, to face the truth and to deal with all of it. It took the next 3 years to come out the other side. In that 3 year time my band had caused issues and had to be removed. I was revised to the sleeve during a surgery in November of 2014. I truly believe this was my turning point. This surgery put to rest most of my demons with food. I felt like I was finally winning this war within my head. I could have let them remove the band repair my stomach and gone back to eating without limits within just a few weeks. Funny thing was my head was changed at that point and turning around wasn’t an option.
This all brought me to the door of Clinique Dallas in March of 2016. The pain and issues with all the skin was hard to live with. I had to wear compression wraps all day everyday to keep from getting the bleeding and infections of the rubbing skin. I had this plan and I needed to finish this journey and have it all removed. I was so ashamed of what was under my clothing. It took me forever to get out of my car. I stood in the hallway of Medical City frozen and afraid to move. I had to go into this office and take my clothes off and let people other than Greg see me naked. What in the world was I thinking. It was all a blur up until I realized this lady wants to take photos of me naked. WHAT! Are you kidding me lady. She was kind and friendly and kinda saw I was so destroyed by all of this. Her kind words allowed me to take the photos and pose for what would be a history journal of my journey. This past week I got to see a few of those first photo’s. I’m not a fan of looking at them but on occasion it is good for the soul to see the path you have walked. Although this part of my journey has come to an end I’ll still be in and out at Clinique Dallas. They have taught me how to take care of my skin and how to age gracefully. No more surgery with Dr A but I’ll see him in the halls of his office. I’ve fallen in love with taking care of me. I love all the products and skin treatments they offer.
Every part of this journey has been a learning experience. It has never been about having the perfect body. It was about loving myself when I look in the mirror, not hating the person I had become and healing my heart from the past. There are days I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see, I get angry with myself about letting things get out of control and I cry. I have moments when I just want a freaking cheese burger but I don’t. I’ve healed my heart and understand that food isn’t the answer. I have to give myself a break and love myself enough that I don’t let food and eating control me. I’m a work in progress and will be the rest of my life. I do have a love for life now and many plans ahead of me. God blessed me with so many people that have been on this journey with me. Dr A and his crew at Clinique Dallas are for sure one of my biggest blessings to my #Restoredlife
