A Journey’s End

For years I felt like I was running in so many different direction. I never really felt like I finished anything. I always seemed so overwhelmed with life. My house was always disorganized, my marriage seemed frazzled, my head would spin with okay what next. I would try to focus on something but very soon my focus would be onto something else because I couldn’t find peace with anything. I would spend most every night crying myself to sleep in silent tears.

When I added motherhood at the ripe old age of 22 my life became even a bigger mess. Crap no one told me she wouldn’t sleep all the time. Then crying, diapers, dr appointments and eating. Oh and now it’s almost 5 and the hubs will be home for dinner. I look a mess so now I gotta cook and smell good. Crap I’m failing at this wife, mommy and life thing. I really had no support and didn’t want anyone else to know I wasn’t getting it. Six years later I added another OMG moment when my son was born. I was trying to do it all from cleaning, mothering, wifing, grooming which always seemed to be last and every other thing on that list way to long to type out. Point is every women on this plant has and or will at some point feel this way. I just couldn’t figure out how come I could never make it all work, not even a small part of it. Until now, at this moment I’m standing at the point of turning yet another page in my life’s journey. I’ve taken the last few weeks to think about why this ending of a journey was different from anything and I mean anything else in my life. When my kids moved out got married and started families of their own I still felt guilt. Guilt for all the things I never got done or did badly. The ending of this journey leaves me for the first time in my life feeling complete, accomplished and finished.

The journey I’m talking about is my weigh loss journey. In October of 2012 I set several high goals for myself. Most would have looked at that list and laughed. Most would have said no way can this be done. Statistics say I wouldn’t make it to goal weight. Statistics say I would more than likely gain 20% of the weight I had lost by the 5 year mark. Statistics say only 3% make it to the 5 year mark without gaining weight. Statistics said so many things I didn’t want to hear but I did and I burned them into my head. I wanted this more than I wanted anything. I wasn’t trying to prove anything to any one but to LaTonya. A few weeks ago I broke through all the statistics. I’ve met my goal weight, I’m 7 years out and have gained NO weight back. Guess I’m in that 3% and that feels pretty dang good. At the 10 year mark only 1% make it without weight gain. I’ll see you 1% in 3 short years. I have met and surpassed all the goals I made back in 2012. As I look to my next goals and yes once again my list is very long I pondered on why this time in my life I accomplished this goal all while life went on. My house stayed clean, my marriage was attended to, my work as a teacher went on and I started the Blue Happy business all while being a Lolli to 3 grands. Why was life so different now? How come years ago I couldn’t seem to manage anything and finish it? After reflecting I came to the moment when God hit me in the head with a skillet. Okay God really didn’t hit me but He did give the moment when I knew why life if so much different now.

Looking back my life started falling into place in late 2012. Things starting working in my life that made everything so different. Now there were some ups and downs life will always have those but most everything else started running smooth. They key to life changing was and is this. I started taking care of me first. I could never be the best mom, wife, friend or anything because I was not taking time and care of me. I know that seems so simple but look at what has happened. The first month I started this journey I was so tired but I found time to organize my home. After my surgery I started making time to meal plan and have dinner with my husband. It all started to fall into place. Now here I am almost 7 years down the road. Life is good and full.

There was one last thing on my list of goals to have finished by my 55th birthday. By the way this isn’t until next May. On my list of goals was to have all loose skin removed. I have done that until I lost this last and final 49lbs. The skin under my arms and under my breast were causing issue when I ran. Last Friday I went into surgery to have that final item on my goal list removed. I said I would be honest with all of this so the final surgery included skin removal, breast lift and augmentation. I know there are some of you out there that feel the need to message me with negative remarks, but don’t I really don’t care. Nor will any negative remarks be addressed you will only be deleted. I’ve done all this for me and me alone. Although my husband is pleased it wasn’t even for him. Through all this I have found deep inside of me a competitive soul. I have found out that I’m a fighter with a strong soul. My heart is easily hurt but that same heart easily loves. I’m more than a number on a scale but that number was important to me. The bottom line is with all these things I’ve have learned about myself I finally love myself.

So this weight loss journey comes to and end because there is not more to loose. I have no more loose skin to remove. I’ve turned the page and the new chapter looks amazing. Now the new journey is a healthy life style. Living in away that keeps me moving forward into my golden years. I’m welcoming new adventures that I’ll share with you as I can. I’ll be trying new things and moving on from some old things. There is still much life for me to live even thought I’m 54. I will always answer questions about this journey if it will help someone. I will always remember the over weight, over tired and self inflicting pain girl that almost gave up. I thought give it one more try, just one more try. I’m so glad I gave it one more try. Life really is Art so paint your dreams with lots of color.