Blue Happy Living

I thought this special blog would be about how accomplished I felt running all by myself in a race. To my surprise so much more came from this mornings run. I loved that Greg supported me and went a long with all of it, even walking all over Waco so we didn’t miss out of princess parking at the hotel. I wouldn’t let him move the truck because we got great parking when we got there Saturday morning. I knew if we moved it we would lose it. So we were on foot the entire weekend. I’m pretty sure over the 2 days he did his own 5K.

I’m a person that struggles with failure. I don’t like for anyone to know that I can’t do something, or I’m sick. I don’t want anyone to see a less than anything from me. It’s hard to burden that type of personality at times, but manageable. Other times it’s down right painful. I can take the smallest failure and turn it into a “life is over moment”. This, in its self is hard to blog about. Letting down my guard and letting people know I’m weak. This morning when my feet hit the pavement as I crossed the starting line something happened. I guess I need to back up a bit. I was sick this week and had to be put on steroids. I can not stand those things and don’t take them unless it is absolute have to, and it was. I wasn’t sure I could even run because of my breathing but I wasn’t going to let myself down. I started praying for strength and stability. That the pain I felt just walking would be covered and be washed away. Well He didn’t disappoint as always. The pain was minor, I felt stronger than I ever have and I made a stable run to the finish line. All of this was what I ask for and He answered my prayers. What happened next was a total surprise.

I have music I plug-in my ears when I run. It’s the same songs over and over because they are songs that inspire me. Somewhere in the first mile I couldn’t hear the music anymore because my head was wrapped around my thoughts. At first it seemed like I was all over the place with my thoughts but as I ran it all started to fall in order. There is so much I try to control in my life. I could make you a boring list but why. Lets just say life in general and all it contains. I really don’t remember much of the race. What I do remember is it felt like I had a large table in front of me with all things that I needed to deal with. One by one the issues I thought to be so over loading I had clarity with.

I went into this race so loaded down and tired. I went into this race feeling like a failure. I went into this race looking forward to it being over so I could go home. Nothing was the way I thought it would be. The results at the end were more than I could have ever imagined. I have a clear head on so many things tonight. Bottom line I can’t please everyone nor do I want to. At one point in my life I was so critical of everything and everyone. If someone was success it was if I waited to see them mess up or look bad.  It’s an easy way to make yourself feel better.  I can’t change the way people look at my journey, it’s mine and I own that for sure, but what I can do is be true to me and how I want to move through the rest of my life.

I have done nothing extraordinary.  I was slowly dying with food, drinking, lack of movement and hate in my heart.  I spent so many days cutting others down because they were living.   At 47 I grabbed the reins and decided to fight. The fear of death and not seeing my children grow old stunned me like someone had shot me.  I loved life but hated the way I was living.  Through Bariatric surgery, 3 skin removal surgeries, hours of tears and more pain than I want to share I still continue to fight everyday to keep going.  It’s hard every time I get up at 4am, it’s hard when I work out 5 days straight and it’s hard to keep my head up when I fail at something.  Failure is a fact of life and it will happen.  I can’t control everything and make it perfect.  I can filter my thoughts and surroundings to make sure they are healthy.

My birthday is this month I’ll be 53 years old.  It has been a long time coming for me to be where I am tonight. The rest of my life is like a race. Finishing with a happy heart is important. I’m just getting started on this restored life of mine.