Here We Go Me Being Honest Surgery Update

I’ve not hid my emotion from anyone during this past 12 months. When I started this with the first surgery I knew that it would be hard. Removing skin, parts of your body that was once normal and healthy but now stretched beyond repair, how could that not be hard. In June I made it through the first surgery without much of a hitch. Breast reduced and lifted along with a tummy tuck. Round 2 in November with the arms and inner thigh lift. I knew that I wavered a bit with my emotions and the recovery was more intense with the legs. Quickly round 3 was her on May 26th and I was ready my last surgery. Round 3 was to finish the body lift and skin removal from my upper back. My legs and arms needed a revision so that was also addressed in this round of surgeries. I was excited and then there was the recovery. It was dark and cold but I came out the other side accomplished and proud knowing more about myself than ever before.

This time my skin on my back had a different plan. It refused the stitches and came open 3 times. I also developed not one but 2 different infections. I also developed a seroma to the right side behind the incision, that is where fluid builds up behind the incision. Dr A and his medical team worked so hard to get me healed. I went in to his office so many times that I told them I needed a cot in a room so he could just come in and check on me. I have so many allergies to medications and medical products. My body was just worn out with all these surgeries in 12 months. I’m no spring chicken and my skin is showing its age so it was no surprise that I had issues this time around.

This time my mental state wasn’t as strong. The time off began to get to me and get me down. I love to work, create and just be active. I never realized how much I depended on my gym time to keep my head clear. I would see FB post of the girls at the gym and it would drive me crazy that I looked and felt okay but I couldn’t go to the gym. I’m not a person that cries I was taught it was pointless. “Don’t be a baby no one cares about your tears” that line stuck with me all my life. I hate that I said that to my own kids. I’ve apologized many times for that one. Tears are okay they help you release and move forward. I wish sometimes I could cry really cry and release a whole lotta stuff. I fell short on strength this time. I fell short on keeping myself strong and my head above water. I went through so many emotions and anger seem to be the emotion that I felt the most. Angry with ME, for letting myself get to a point that this journey had to be taken, angry with my body because it wouldn’t heal and so much more to be angry over. I wanted to roll back the clock and be a stronger person than the food induced death I was chasing. It was like I was reliving it all from the beginning of my weight gain, through the years of uncontrolled eating and all the surgeries from bariatric to skin removal. Last week Dr. A told me I could return to the gym on Tuesday morning BUT………… I could only walk at a slow pace and do upper arms with low to nothing weights. It was painful to do only these things while everyone around me was moving on, but being there made the world of difference in my head. I felt me coming back, my head above water and most of all I felt the depression lift the very moment I stepped into the gym.

You see I gave up my food addiction but I just replaced it with the gym. I’m not sure just how to fix me, but I’ll take working out addiction over food addiction any day. I’m not perfect by any means. I do know that I’m always looking for ways to make me better. I have a long path to walk and by September I hope to be running that path. I’m in love with my life and those that share it with me. Today I feel like I’m standing on top of a mountain, behind me my journey and I’ve reached the finish line. I’m not sure just what to do or where to go now. It’s been 5 years of one more step planned and made. Now there are no more personal plans made because the journey has come to an end. Now I search my heart to find a new path. I know I’m so blessed with family, friends, creativity and oh those grand babies what a blessing they are to me. Without my faith and prayer I couldn’t have made it. I can’t tell you the times I would just cry out “oh Jesus please lift me up and place me at the finish”. Prayer would comfort me, His word would carry me and by faith I walk through it. There is one thing I know from all of the ups and down, the pain and recovery, the journey to and from obesity with all of it I know I’m HAPPY.