Blue Happy Living

Opening my heart and getting real. After weeks, months and years of working on my health I look in the mirror and see more that can be done. It’s an image thing for most women. We stand there and pick apart what we hate about our body. Most of the time never giving ourselves permission to look at what we do love. For the most we never even go there. I can’t really ever remember looking in the mirror and thinking oh I love my hair or wow my eyes are so pretty. Even today after all the weight loss, skin removal and working out I still don’t compliment myself. Kinda makes me angry. I’m angry that I can’t let myself just be and enjoy all my hard work. I pick myself apart every morning while I get dressed. I look in the mirror and think you need to do more leg workouts or your back has no muscle definition. Don’t get me started on my hair and facial skin tone, I mean really LaTonya, get over it! I wish it were so easy to do that. I’m always after a friend of mine to move past her past. When in reality I kinda do the same thing.

I recently took this picture of my self in a mirror that hangs in my kitchen. I thought a different mirror would make me happier.  I sent it to my bestie Karen with the caption “Why isn’t this good enough?” Why do I need it to be more weight loss, more Toning why more, more, more? Karen of coarse responded with a heart felt message. Bottom line is it’s not the mirror it’s the words planted in my head.  The reality is we are our worst critic but we need to love who we are and how we look.

Some people aren’t as sponge absorbent as others. When I was a child I was like a sponge that was dry as old wood. Things soaked into my heart and stayed. Some good and some bad. It’s those bad things that haunt me, those words that have stayed with me. Although buried deep the roots run to the top daily. It doesn’t take much for me to open up one of those roots and then the brutal bashing of myself starts. I’ve often said be careful how you speak to a child what you say can stay in their soul for years. I’m proof of that. Once I was told “you sure are pretty” and that would have been a great way to lift me up. It was followed by one of the biggest rooted issues in my soul. The follow-up was “so never get fat because you want have anything then.” As a child I ask why, what does that mean “I want have anything?” The reply was even more devastating than ever “well, you’re not that smart in school, so if you get fat and lose your beauty you will be stupid and ugly.” Yep that one is the root to a lot of things that I deal with on a daily basis and have for years. Being overweight was so hard on me because that little remark SCREAMED at me every second of my day.  Sometimes the SCREAM was so loud in my head I thought it was going to burst my heart.  I still hear the SCREAM even after the weight loss.  I’m presently trying to drown it, trust me it’s getting weaker and gurgling. Now before you email me, post a remark or text me know that I’m aware of how blessed I am .  For the most I have normal days where I get ready without any problems.  I just wanna be honest that I have those days as I’m sure some of you do.

Looking back just a few years when I was over weight.  Not having anything but dumb and ugly wasn’t true.  It was by far the furtherest from the truth.  Being over weight had nothing to do with the many blessings I had.  It really is all in my head.  I guess that is where the seed was planted all those years ago.  As a child I didn’t have a way to remove this person in my life.  The brutal metal abuse went on for decades.  There isn’t enough memory on this Mac of mine to go into all the remarks that made me who I am today.  Children are like a rare piece of pottery that has been fired to the bisque stage when they are born.  Bisque is very fragile with open pores ready to absorb the paint applied.  Over the years those applied layers are fired on to the soul and become  part of the pottery.   I decided a long time ago to use this abuse to better someone else, mostly the children in my life.  As a teacher this rooted problem helps me.  If a child passes through my class or life  I try my hardest to build them up and make sure they know they are special and loved.  Most days I spend working on feeling better about myself.  I try to find one thing a day to compliment myself on.  Some day’s  I find it’s easy and some days I just can’t.  I wish that my friends that are women could look in the mirror and see beyond the skin and find the best of their soul.  I wish we could lift each other up as women and not tear each other down.  You will never have a better chance then right this moment to lift someone up.  You will never have a better time then today to lift yourself up.  Life can be so much more if we give instead of take.  These moments of my life I share with you are to help make one person think about the words they use when caring for others.  I hope that they touched your heart and I’m praying your day is Blue Happy.