Blue Happy Living

My journey has taken me down a road that has been many things. It has been emotional, hard, short on patients and overwhelming at times. I’m pretty sure I’ve almost made it to a point where I can relax just a bit. Not worry about where and when I’ll fall or mess up. This journey isn’t without mess ups and I’m sure there will be more.

Today at the gym somewhere around 5:30am I was working on pull ups. Minding my own business and Shelly decided to take pictures of me. Pictures I didn’t know that were being taken. She was across the gym working on something else and I had no idea she did this. At first I was so embarrassed because I thought the picture was terrible. My first thought was “I’m so fat” and “Oh my gosh by butt looks huge”. Before I knew it I had texted my distaste of my body to Shelly. She reacted in away that the gym gals of mine always do, positive and truthful. Shelly pointed out my back muscles, the curve of my back and my flat stomach. All points I couldn’t see until she pointed them out. Self image is hard for me and I struggle with it. I still see, in most cases the old LaTonya that was unhealthy and tired. Thank you Shelly for pointing out my accomplishments. From 303lbs. to this, what a blessing to regain my health. 

When I first got my Lap Band I was told about something called head hunger. I had no idea how bad this could be. Really to be honest I thought it was stupid and that I wouldn’t have it. I was SO wrong, this was bad stuff and handling it was most of the time out of my control. I knew I was full and not hungry but my head would constantly think of foods. I would almost dream about butter, bread, chips and all the other foods I was addicted to. It took over a year to pass and calm it’s self down. Now I really don’t ever have head hunger or cravings.

Image of yourself is kinda like head hunger. You look in the mirror and what you see is not what is really there. I feel like I still see and look like the unhealthy LaTonya. It’s a mind game and it takes a long time to heal your thoughts of who you were and how you are now. Unlike my head hunger my head image isn’t as easy to over come. I’m coming up on 5 years in October and it’s still hovering over me.

I’m working on seeing myself as healthy. I’m trying hard to see what others see. I’m excepting the new image of me slowly and surely. Having those supporting gym gals in my life is the best medicine I could ask for. They keep it real when I get tough on myself. I love these ladies and can’t imagine running the race without them.

I love it’s the weekend and I have 2 days to celebrate some pretty special things happening in mine and Greg’s lives. This week was bumpy and a bit off. I pulled out all I had at some points to make it through some crazy moments. I’m looking forward to starting a new week full of Blue Happy moments and memories.