Blue Happy Living

Making a decision to do something or to move on a plan that might seem to other a shaky idea is hard to act on.  I knew the decision I made on June 1st most would question and some would even think I was crazy or even stupid.  I did it anyway and I’ve never been happier. Over the past few years I’ve learned so much about myself  and I totally understand who I am.   I realized that when I learned to laugh at myself I had learned to live in the moment and not worry about others opinions.

Let me take you back a bit to 4 years ago.  I’ve told my story before I was  47, went to the doctors he said you are morbidly obese, over 300lbs and most likely will have a stroke or heart attach by age 50.  I had lap band in October 2012, it failed after only 80lbs shed, I was revised to the gastric sleeve in November 2014 and it has been the tool I needed to shed all the weight that bogged down my life.  My new life is working out 5 days a week, eating clean and health and making sure I remove all that got me to a place of “dying by diet”.  That is a tall order because in order to remove those things I had to open up and let go of those things.  For the most, over the past 4 years I have let go.  A few still haunt me but I’m working on them.  My life is nothing like it was 4 years ago I have found new ways to deal with stress and to laugh at my self when I get over stressed about the little things.

I wanted to blog about those things in my past that haunt me  but as I sit here I just can’t let go enough to do it. As of right now my past is a story that I own. By telling that story I allow others to own it and be a part of it.  For that reason I will wait for a time that best suits me to open up and tell the story.   My past and what is in it made me the person I had become and not in a good way. I’ve worked hard to rewrite the ending of my story as best I can.  I do know that I want to live a very long life so staying active, taking care of my body and letting go of the past will help me do that.  We all have a story and some are worse than others but how we react is the answer to moving forward or dying.

Letting go was the hardest part of this entire process.  I knew early on if I didn’t let go of the past it would once again bog down my future.  I worked so hard to shed WELL over a 100lbs,  I rerouted my life of eating bad to eating clean and working out  instead of hitting the fast food or ice cream place. This has not been easy at all.  I fought more with myself than any of the things in my past.  There were times I didn’t think I would reach my goals.  There were many of nights that I would sit on the phone with my bestie Karen and just cry.  She was such a rock for me and even pushed me at times.  With every pound that I lost I gained a tiny bit of power and with every size I went down to I picked up speed.  A year ago I found myself becoming so tired, tired of working so hard and still feeling weighed down.  I began to work on that in my head.  I would get up go work out, teach all day, go back to the gym that night and at the end of that day feel defeated because I still had work to do.  I wanted to look in the mirror and be able to see all the hard work done in the hours at the gym.  I just couldn’t, my body was busted and beat up.  It broke my heart to look in the mirror after a shower because it reminded me of how my past had destroyed my body.  All the skin and stretch marks my body became a continuous reminder of who I once was.  So finding a way to accept it was my next goal.  What a tall order to fill, figuring out how to accept this body that is busted and beyond repair.  How to fix this body was all I thought of ever day all day.  I did  over a year of research before I made  an appointment with a Doctor.  I didn’t pick him out of the phone book I was referred to him by my bestie Karen.  I almost canceled the appointment because I was so embarrassed to show him my busted up body.  After all standing in front of my husband naked had become so painful how in the world could I stand in front of another person.  I went to the appointment and my life is changed forever.

On June 1st My doctor  removed the damage from the front of my body.  He did a tummy tuck, breast reduction and breast lift along with liposuction.  These procedures helped in removing the skin left from the weight loss.   The morning after the surgery the bandages were removed, my body was bruised, swollen and so beat up.  I left the doctors office and cried I was so happy. Even with all that was going on I looked at my self and knew I had done the right thing. I was me again. I knew after a few weeks my body would be healed. That same day people who visited me ask me “would you do it again” my answer then is the same today 4 weeks later YES! What I didn’t realize is my broken body was holding me back from finishing the race I started 4 years ago.  What I had cleaned up in my head and heart didn’t match what was looking back at me in the mirror.  I couldn’t fully let go until I removed all the damage.  This was never about getting a perfect body or wearing a bikini which is what so many people said to me.  It was about finishing this journey and putting back my body the way it should have been in the first place.  Yes, I now have scares from the surgery.  In a weird way when I see them in the mirror I’m so proud they remind me of how hard I have worked.  The years of blaming myself, over eating and using food as comfort and taking my body to a point of no repair is all gone.  I will continue to work to put myself in the best possible healthy life I can. The day I went in for my first appointment I told them what I wanted to repair.  It was extensive so it is going to be broken  down into 2 surgeries.  I do have one more surgery in the fall to remove skin from my thighs and arms.  Then this journey changes into  a life style to follow.  I will have completed what I set out to do just for me.  I win, its my life and I’m in charge.  What a feeling of gratification.

I’m sure some of you will email me loving thoughts and I appreciate that.  For those of you that have rude and bad things to say don’t waste your time I really don’t care.  Like I said I win its my life.  I’m so proud of my journey and how I ran this race.  I fell so many times I think I spent more time crawling on my knees than running.  If you know me you understand  me when I say those are the times I prayed my hardest. All of this, the weight loss journey, starting Blue Happy Living and letting go of the past has made my life a breath of fresh air.  I always keep my promise.  I will tell the entire story someday and maybe it will make a difference for someone out there but for now I’m just gonna be Blue Happy and live healthy.

I would like to give props to Travis Crenshaw for the first photo.  I had no idea it was out there but he is an amazing photographer and friend and he had it stored.  I did not give the name of my Doctor on purpose.  I didn’t get his permission so I didn’t feel like I could use his name.  He is an amazing Doctor if you contact me and ask me I will give you his information.  In no way am I promoting what I did as the way to get healthy. I’m just telling my story and how I ran my personal race. Each person has to find their own way in the madness of weight loss.