Okay this one is a long one and the title might be a bit strong but I just wanted to get your attention. All my life I have so worried about what other people think. Do they think I’m fat, do they think my house is ugly, even do they think I’m a bad mom, wife or person. Oh my goodness I have spent so many hours worried about what others thought of me that I had no idea I had opinions of myself. Having a birthday and a big one yesterday made me stop and give a lot of thought to who I am, where I am in life and where I’m headed. That big birthday yesterday put me over the halfway mark of a century.
I started fretting about my birthday a few weeks back but really didn’t say anything about it. As always I tucked it under my heart and went on as if nothing was bothering me. Can’t help it that’s my style in life. When things finally slowed down with school ending, art camp over and the start of my summer I untucked my feelings and started to deal. I couldn’t shake what I was feeling that I’m 51 in a few hours and I’m not sure I’m happy with where I am. WHY? I love, love, love what I do, my family, faith and friends. So what is this underlying issue that pulls at me all the time. Or better yet when will who, what and where I am in life be enough? Big questions!
I seem to always end up in my studio when I need to think or work something out in my head. If not in the studio I find myself in my back yard working. I did a bit of both this weekend and well I have found the answer that makes my heart Blue Happy again. It all comes down to the fact that I have never let myself have opinions about me. It seems simple but it’s true. I have wasted so much time trying to please and make others happy. I overlooked the fact that I’m happy with who I am and it’s okay for me to approve myself, my life and the way I look. This is just an example of what I put myself through all the time. This weekend all the gym gals met up at a bar in Rockwall. I love to see them all together in one place. We had a blast visiting and laughing. It’s funny to see everyone look so cute with no gym clothes, make up on and hair not sweaty but fixed and cute. I was the DD this weekend for the girls in my area of the woods so I started the pick up around 6. Everyone looked so cute in their outfits, shoes and hair all fixed. I started to feel like ok you do not fit in. When we got to the bar I just wanted to go sit in my truck and wait for them to get done. I felt so out-of-place and not cute at all. I’m not a girly girl AT ALL and I don’t dress that way either. I had on my Silobration T-shirt from @magnoliamarket, ripped jeans and sandals. Trust me look at the picture and you will see they all look like fashion models. They always make me feel welcome and that night was the same as always lots of love and hugs.I guess that night is what got me to thinking about giving myself approval. That in the end my God and me are all that matter. That is such a hard thing to implement in your life when you have spent so many years wanting and waiting on others to approve and except you. I spent the better part of my day Sunday working this out in my head. It was the best birthday present I could have ever given myself. So what I came up with is that it’s okay I’m not like most or any other people in my life. It’s okay that I work things out in my head a bit different from the norm. It’s okay that I live my life on the outside of the box. My hair is long and stringy, I’m a t-shirt loving kinda girl and make-up for me is chap stick and mascara. After all God created me to be an artist and that makes me different. I’m way to old to care anymore as to what people think about me as long as I’m okay with it and it lines with my faith then it’s good. Lots of crappy people way back in my life piled these thoughts in my head and heart. It makes me wanna right a book and tell all the momma’s out there please build your babies up. It’s true that what is put in to their heads and what is done to them so very long ago will affect them at some point down their path.
God blessed me with so many wonderful women in my life these past few years. I have often said that I don’t trust women. My friend Karen can tell you that we have had many of conversations about just that. I’m quick to cut people (women) out of my life if they come on to strong, it scares me to death. There have been a few that I tried to cut out but they were persistent and I’m glad because they have been a strong hold in my life. I count all of the women in my life right now as blessings. Never once have any of them made me feel they didn’t approve of me. They have all had a role in getting me to this point on my 51st birthday. So applause to all these women in my life from the smallest of friendships to the ones that I lean on daily. I can’t go without saying much hugs and love to my sweet Karen, my Ethel you are the spirit that lifts me and keeps me humble. What would I do without you keeping me out of trouble and keeping me into reality.
So I move on into the rest of this century of my life with approve from ME, MYSELF AND I. No more wasting time worried about who will approve me, what people think about me or if they think I’m weird. I’m vintage with a bit of gypsy shabby chic and my heart is full of Blue Happiness. In the whole picture of it all I am weird and that is okay because weird is good. Or at least I think so! I hope your Monday is fantastic, Blue Happy and approved by YOU!
