Blue Happy Living

Anger can cause us to spit out words that we really don’t mean.  Or is it that when we are angry we say things we mean but would never say in a calm state.  What ever the case minding our mouth and the words that come out is something we should all take care of.  Words from others hurtful or good are things we can’t ever take out of our head.  Words we say to others have no delete button.

I remember things said to me as far back as 3 or 4 years old that were good and bad.  Many of those things have molded me as a person, many have altered me for a life time.  At the beginning of elementary I had a teacher refer to my father as a dark-skinned man when she was describing him to another teacher.  Her remark was to the other teacher “I didn’t know who this odd dark-skinned man was coming into my class room.  I was afraid he was going to cause trouble.  Then Tonya spoke up and said hey Daddy”.  The other teacher said that would make me sacred as well.  Those words are in my head, that my daddy was different because he was dark-skinned. As a young child it puzzled me but as I got older I understood more and more of the lack of intelligence of people.  Once in high school I had a teacher tell me that I would never be a success because I didn’t come from a family that was educated and successful. She said I would more than likely live a plain jane life as well.  Sadly another teacher told me that I needed to just realize that dreams are what they are dreams and most never come true.  These are words that for years I held onto.  I would think of things I wanted to do but then talk myself out of it  because my head and heart would tell me different.  It became a cycle I ran through for many years.

Outside of school I encountered  people telling me that I wasn’t smart enough for college that all I had was beauty and that wouldn’t get me grades.  Once I got stopped on campus late one night after class.  The cop was a bit flirty he told me I had to sit in his car.  After a few minutes I figured I could use my looks to get out of this ticket.  I did and I promised him a date the next week.  I never showed up and never saw him again.  That led me to believe I could use my looks for other things as well.  I flirted with teachers to get grades changed, I flirted to get late work excepted and I even flirted to get out of paying a few campus fees.  So in my head I was just using what I was told I had beauty not smarts.  It all made sense to me until that same person stopped me in my tracks with yet more words.  In college as we all do I packed on a good 10 plus pounds.  The not so wise person told me you better not get fat cause all you gots is your looks and if you lose that you ain’t got nothing.  WHAT!!! Then I took it a different direction.  I hated when people would tell me I was beautiful.  I wanted people to think I was smart and beauty had nothing to do with it.  I stopped caring for myself, my hair and make-up were non existing.  I wore crappy clothing and never cared about going out with friends.  I wanted to be any thing but pretty. Still to this day if someone compliments me I hate it and it’s hard to take.

I look back on all of these and many more words that were spoken to me.  There were some goods words like my dad told me many times I was special because God blessed me with talent.  He said many were not blessed with a talent but you have a gift with your art.  I had a teacher Mrs. Johnson who told me that I was a dreamer and that was the best kinda heart to have.  Mr. Short told me I had a gypsy’s heart and I would have a beautiful life.  I ask why he thought that and he said because it’s in your eyes and your eyes tell your heart.  I’ve not been perfect I have said things to people I shouldn’t have, and I regret those words.  I will always be a guarded  person. I will admit I have  had a hard time trusting people and their words.  I struggle letting women in my life because I don’t trust women.  I don’t let to many people into my social world because I don’t want to hear what their words are.  I know I miss out on a lot of great people in my life because of the fear but to me its safer that way.  I didn’t get on Facebook until a little over a year ago because I didn’t want to reconnect with my past.  It is laid heavy with words as well as memories I don’t want to revisit. If I’m honest I love that I have connected with so many people I went to school with.  Although, I see them talk about good times in the past but I can’t remember those times.  I guess the bad memories have canceled out the good ones in my head.

These words have formed the adult I am today.  I believe I’m a better person, teacher and soul because of the words spoken so many years ago.  I guess I’m stubborn and I decided to  fight back and prove the bad sayers wrong.  Where am I going with this blog, well I watched a parent speak so rude to her child at a Starbucks.  I watched as the child went from Mommy I want to tell you something to a child that had a sad frown on her face.  Mom had no patience for her little girl while she was busy on her phone texting.  I watched as the little girl wilted when mom wouldn’t talked to her.  When mom scolded her for talking the little girl looked heart-broken.  Someone once told me if you speak softly to a child they will grow up to be an adult that can’t handle things.  I believe if you speak softly to a child they will grow up to be an adult that speaks softly to others. Children are sponges and soak up all our words good and bad.

I look forward to the future and building new friendships with old friends.  I’ve come to a place in my life were I’m letting go of what was and moving forward to what is.  If there is anything to learn is that words hurt and can damage a person no matter how old or young they are. Be careful when you speak or you just might say words you can’t delete.  Have a beautiful Blue Happy Tuesday!